Jesus! It's been longer than five weeks since my last post? I must've lost track of time after getting back from my camping trip in Colorado. It's easy to lose yourself in the mysticism of nature, just you, your friends and a fire. By the second week, we all realized we had to get home before we lost our jobs, so we got outta there. I'll be damned if I haven't been feeling like I forgot to do something, though.
Just kidding! I didn't go to Colorado and I don't have any friends. The real reason I haven't done shit is because it's Summer. In Florida. It's so fucking hot, I can't even think, and when I can't think, I can't write. It drains all my energy. When I get home from work, all I can do is spend six hours reading seriously insightful list articles on Cracked.com until I fall asleep. Yeah, Cracked. As in the baby brother offshoot of Mad magazine. I have no idea what happened either.
So, without further ado,
7 Women With The Hottest Bitch Faces
7. Michelle Obama
[Disclaimer: Before continuing, I want my readers to know that I am fully aware of how a woman might feel when the word "bitch" is used to describe how her face looks. I want to make it clear that I employ this word not as a denigration of the character of these women, but as a way to describe their unconventional, sinister-looking sexiness. Like the she-villains in Disney movies. What I'm arguing is that these women are hotter than someone who looks like Kate Upton, or any other conventional candidate for Sexiest Woman Alive. I can think of no greater crime against nature, from man or God, than changing, in any way, the appearance with which these women were born.]
The hottest First Lady since Jackie. There, I said it. Oh! You're pissed at the President, America? (I hadn't heard.) Someone oughta whip that Muslim, Kenyan Freedom-hater into shape, you say? I know someone. Someone who scares the shit outta me, who really gets the blood flowing to the right places. Like the brain of the Leader of the Free World, so it can do all it's important, uh, Leader Freedom Thinking. Also, I wasn't turning a phrase back there. I think she literally knows how to use a whip on the President.
Here she is looking all Mad Men.
Juliette Lewis is a seasoned pro. Cape Fear, From Dusk Till Dawn, Natural Born Killers, Whip It. Her characters sure had to learn how to grow up fast. Just an average, all-American girl that life has kicked around too many times, and now she's ready to do some kicking of her own. Whether her assault is directed toward vampires, roller derby girls, a convicted rapist, or the person who wants to film a documentary of her and her husband's serial slaughter of innocent people, there's still something about her that makes me feel all warm inside.
That feeling could just be internal bleeding. I don't know. I smell toast.
5. Vampire Pam
Remember when you were still scared of the dark? When movies used to tell you the most terrible, evil things happened when the clock struck midnight? The very thought of something coming out of the dark to eat you alive through your jugular filled you with terror, and didn't help you fall asleep either.
Then you grow up and realize that those fears never go away, their terror just pales in comparison to real fears, like not being able to pay your rent. Vampires sucking your blood? Less likely than the bank you put your paycheck into every week.
Sometimes the things that terrify us as children are the same things that we become attracted to as adults. When it comes to fireworks and vampires, I can attest to this. My favorite explosives are Black Cat firecrackers and I want Kristin Bauer van Straten to suck me dry.
"Oh, dream weaver. I believe you can get me through the nighhht."
4. Anjelica Huston
In the beginning, Morticia Addams was the macabre matriarch of the Addams Family, the best cartoon in the New Yorker. Then she was dollface Carolyn Jones in the 60s sitcom. Even Brooke Shields took a crack at her on Broadway. But nobody embodied Morticia's glacial creepiness better than John Huston's first-born daughter.
"The real head of the family ... low-voiced, incisive and subtle, smiles
are rare…ruined beauty ... contemptuous and original and with fierce
family loyalty ... even in disposition, muted, witty, sometimes
deadly ... given to low-keyed rhapsodies about her garden of deadly nightshade, henbane and dwarf’s hair ..."
– Charles Addams, 1963
3. Sandra Bernhard
Listen, I grew up watching stand-up comedy, and I know that a lot of stand-up comedians are not supermodels. But nobody wants that, because supermodels are stupid, and not very often are they intentionally funny. But I have to be honest, at a certain time in the 90s, Sandra Bernhard was pretty damn close to the best of both those worlds. Her face was as brash as her humor. I knew she was hot when I was only eight fucking years old!
Don't believe me? Ask Madonna.
2. Jane Curtin
There used to be a time when the news wasn't a joke. I don't remember it either, because the first people to inject comedy into current events did it eleven years before I was born. The Show? Saturday Night Live. The sketch? Weekend Update. The first WU anchor was Chevy Chase, and sure it was funny, but it lacked a necessary level of cold, sexy deadpan.
Whenever I think of a decade in American history in which I would have liked to come of age, it's almost never the 1970s. Almost never. The 60s had better style. The 80s had better music (seriously, just not on the radio). But the last four years of the 70s had Jane Curtin, for one night a week, looking hot, satirizing the news, and occasionally tearing open her blouse and goading Connie Chung.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler better rekkinize.
1. Maribeth Monroe
She's Alice Murphy on Workaholics. Currently, Workaholics is the voice of our generation. Also, it's comedy gold. These days, I guess you just need two things. Three morons with shitty jobs? Check. An irate hosebeast/the foxiest superior you can only dream of having for a boss? Check.
What I'm saying is, asleep, unconscious, eyes closed, with the firing of random synapses in your brain, is the only place where you can be on the business end of her bewitching, elegant wrath.
She is the reason for this entire post. A woman after my own heart.
They're pissed at me. I'm forgetting something.
Oh, yeah. In addition to your dreams, you can also watch her tear you a new asshole every Tuesday night at 10:30 on Comedy Central.
