Friday, April 27, 2012

The Other Tongue


I'm not the type of person to talk about my lineage often. America is a nation of immigrants, and as such I think a discussion about any of our "homelands" is irrelevant by default. That being said, allow me to prattle on about my lineage and how it relates to my definition of American culture.

Quick rundown: I was born in West Palm Beach, Florida. My mother's family is Italian and she grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. My father's family is English/Irish and he grew up in Tennessee, in a small town named Paris.

Being born to a Southern father and Northern mother was an interesting (and short-lived) experiment. It's shaped my entire perspective about the freakish North-meets-South setting where my story began.

Here, our lack of cultural cohesion is par for the course. When I got my first job bagging groceries, I didn't know that a shopping cart could have so many other names (carriage, buggy, trolley, wagon), but the customers did because they came from other parts of the country where these terms are used to refer to shopping carts.

Nothing is permanent or collective. There are only three cultural staples: Alligators, golf courses and the music of Jimmy Buffett. Are any of our residents fans of the Miami Dolphins? If so, I have no explanation as to why they would be.

Our "culture" is purely transitory, brought over by whoever moves here, and disappearing when they leave. To a region that only became habitable after central air-conditioning was invented not even a century ago, a word like "tradition" means almost nothing.

Almost.

In the last year I've decided to continue my study of Spanish, from the point where I left it in high school, where it was required of my study for all four years. Was I able to speak it fluently back then? No. Has my continued study required me to start all over again, relearning all of what little I retained? Absolutely.


But I'm diligent, and that's important because the number of people speaking it is only going to increase. It's influence will only become more saturating. I understand this and have no problem with it whatsoever.


Questions you might be asking: Why would you welcome the phasing-out of your native tongue? How would life possibly be made better because of this? Does it not make you feel like your country, the only one you've ever lived in, your entire world from the moment of your birth, is disappearing? Do you hate America?


To all ideas posited by the rhetoric of these questions, I say:

No, English will never be eradicated in my lifetime. It's too nuanced, potent, deft, and efficient. It steals from the languages around it. It takes new forms with each new generation of speakers. Ideas and emotions can be expressed beautifully or hideously. It's vocabulary encompasses the complete spectrum of sound.

No, learning Spanish, or any other language, will not make my life harder. It will be made better by expanding my perceivable world, not erasing it. Everything I said in that previous paragraph? How am I supposed to confirm it if I don't have another language to compare it to? (Fact!)

No, it doesn't feel like my entire world is disappearing. Why? Because my surroundings do nothing but disappear. What's stayed the same? Nobody can even claim that Palm Beach County, let alone the entire country, hasn't completely changed from what it was twenty-five years ago. When you live in a place that never stays the same for more than a year, your idea of community becomes more dynamic, not more static.

And finally, no, I don't hate America, because America is about moving forward, not recycling the same words, the same concepts, the same ideas for centuries so that we can "purify" all of our "traditions" and "values." Our "virtues" and "principles."

That equates to cultural incest, and progress doesn't come from fucking your idea siblings. That's some Dark Ages shit.


I wonder, too, why my maternal family doesn't speak Italian. Not a word, except when my grandfather watches The Godfather on TV. It all comes back to him, or something. I've always thought it was a cool language, even if it does have a penchant for the dramatic.

I was told when my grandfather was born that his father, typically, wanted the children to speak only English. I find this a disagreeable parental impulse, but I can understand it. I don't think America is a very forward thinking, culturally tolerant nation in 2012. I can't imagine what it was like in the 1930s.

I've already made my sociopolitical case for wanting to speak Spanish, but the motive that courses through my veins is that learning Spanish would bring me that much closer to learning Italian. Little by little, I want to reconnect with what was severed from me even before the woman I came from was born. (See, this thick sappiness could've really been driven home with just a little Italian.)

I think everyone should feel this way, even if they don't. My girlfriend constantly waxes lyrical about Tradition and has no interest in learning German, her paternal family's mother tongue and one her father still fluently speaks.

She might change her mind one day, but I don't know what it will take. Either the realization that life is precious and we only have a finite amount of time to learn and appreciate everything we are, were and can become, or a Gossip Girl plot twist that involves Blair Waldorf falling in love with a fictional German chancellor.

Either way is fine.

We all just end up where we came from in the first place.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Part of the Itch

Commercials suck. Honestly. Who needs them? Who even likes them? The best ones are rare, and soon become so forcefully repetitive that a viewer can discover and be sickened from overuse by the same advertisement inside the window of an hour-long show.

Television would have never been created without this disgusting drivel, and if television had never been created we would never know the superb genius of Mad Men.


After an excruciating 17 months, the greatest show on television finally returned to fill that burning emptiness we've all been numbing with cheap booze and meaningless sex.

The fact that Matthew Weiner had the ability to write an enthralling series around characters who supply, by a wide margin, the most unwanted and annoying product in the history of mankind is nothing short of brilliance.

It's not just how cool Draper is, how pithy Roger's one-liners are, how bodacious everything about Joan always is, how big a tool Pete can be, how determined Peggy is to show them all, how Selectric typewriters are employed in a delicious '60s office setting or the drama created by all these factors. What fascinates me most about this show is the idea that a time used to exist when advertising was an art form.

Ask yourself if today's commercials are works of art. How much "creative" has gone into these things?

I had an epiphany yesterday. It makes me feel stupid because I should've had this epiphany years ago, but here it is: commercials on mute.

I know, I know. Duh. But if watching commercials without sound doesn't immediately make your viewing experience more pleasant (OK, tolerable), I formally and officially invite you to freely punch me in the face the next time you see me.

Miserable jingles? Gone. Stupid pitches? Gone. Moronic ad copy that pretty faces are paid to recite (... guaranteed! ... call now! ... or your money back! ... lost thirty pounds! ... no contracts! ... try it risk free! ... been injured in a ... just ninety-nine cents! ...)? Gone. Moving mouths are all that's left, and sometimes streaming text that provides concisely all pertinent consumer information. After this revelation, it feels as though my mind is finally at peace.

Now it's a moving magazine ad. This novel silence allows me to interact and play games with the pitch, like filling those moving mouths with my own ad copy. If you can appreciate Mad Libs, you can appreciate this. Usually my copy is pretty liberal towards blatant vulgarity.

Regardless of my penchant for potty-word hilarity, I'm of the opinion that television as a medium is better at killing thoughts than creating them (this can also apply to drinking Scotch). That being said, I'm genuinely ashamed of how much television I watch and how much of my life I've spent doing it. Because of this, I can't wait for the day when television can be viewed by paying for individual shows. When that day comes, these are the ten shows (and only ten!) that would be on my TV. My desert island list, in order of importance:

Mad Men
Workaholics
South Park
Ugly Americans
True Blood
Mythbusters
The Daily Show
The Colbert Report (package deal)
Chopped
& Jersey Shore

But who am I kidding? I've listed these (great) shows for no reason. As far as I know, advertisers love the ridiculous amount of bullshit on TV. As I write this they're probably screaming for more out the windows of their billionth-floor offices on Madison Avenue. More shows! More channels! More air time! More money!

I realize now that I'm wasting my time.

But wasting time is where ideas come from, according to the people who are paid to create things, and the fact is creative people wouldn't get paid if it wasn't for advertisers and their annoying, unwanted product. Both parties know that.

I think Matthew Weiner should really be rewarded for giving us a world where advertising is interesting, where the people who do it are cool, intelligent, and have shitloads of artistic vision spewing from their fingertips. A fictional world of advertisers making good advertisements might have the power to seep into reality, providing a more enriching experience for everyone involved, viewer and producer alike.

Would the real world not be a better place if commercials sucked significantly less? I think it would, because it would influence for the better the art of the pitch, not just for advertisers and car salesman, but for everyone. The pitch is everything to/for/about everyone. It's persuasion. It's how you sell yourself, your abilities, your beliefs, your ideas, your value to everyone with whom you ever come in contact. Everyone wants to do this better.

You can call it growing bullshit, but that would only be true if the product reeks.